Twas the night before Christmas

Monica Crowley offers up (with her apologies to Clement Clarke Moore) a timely health care twist on the timeless classic:

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the House

Not a Democrat was stirring, not even Nancy Pelosi, the louse.

The health care bill was hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that Senate Democrats soon would be there.

The American people were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of defeating Obamacare danced in their heads.

But Pelosi in her kerchief, and Harry Reid in his cap,

Hoped their caucus wouldn't bolt home for a long winter's nap.

When out on the Hill there arose such a clatter,

Reid sprang from his bed to see what was the matter.

Away to his office he flew like a flash,

And threw himself on the bill, which was done slapdash.

All 2,000 pages looked like the new-fallen snow.

"What's really in the bill? No one will ever know!"

When, his wondering eyes filled with mist

At the eye-rolling sight of eight tiny extortionists,

Reid jumped up, so lively and quick,

He knew in a moment their payoffs must click.

More rapid than eagles his bribers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Landrieu! Now Lincoln! Now Lieberman and Nelson!

On Dodd! On Feingold! On Sanders and Levin!

Here's your payoff! Now go do the deed!

And vote for this sucker in our hour of need!"

He told them that his back was to the wall,

And he told them, "Now go! And dash away all!"

So back to their states the extortionists flew,

With their hundreds of millions, and other goodies, too.

And then, in a twinkling, Reid heard on the roof

Pollsters showing him the extent of his goof.

As he drew in his head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney President Obama came with a bound.

Having done no heavy lifting, he looked rested and ready

To sign this monstrous bill, even without Teddy.

A bundle of political threats he had flung on his back,

And he looked so smug, the thug, as he opened his pack.

His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

He knew his fellow Dems; he knew how it'd go.

He was thin and skinny, not at all a jolly elf,

And Reid laughed when he saw him, in spite of himself!

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon told Reid he had nothing to dread.

Obama spoke not a word, which was unusual for him,

Ready to sign a bill that will make health care more grim.

"Higher premiums! Fewer doctors! Higher taxes and fees!

And this bill's just the beginning - oh, what a tease!"

He sprang to his feet and bid Reid goodbye,

And went back to the White House in the bat of an eye.

But Reid heard him exclaim, and it sounded like a prayer:

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all ruined health care!"