Government healtcare phone menu

Government Run Healthcare Mental Health Phone Menu
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you
want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
 forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
 voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
 number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the
 beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
 short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term

 memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our
 operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn
 on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just
 mess it up.

Otherwise, stay on the line; an operator will assist you within 6 to 9 months.

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