Tuesday, September 08, 2009

My Little Comrades by Robin of Berkeley

The now-discarded first draft of the president's speech to the nation's schoolchildren:

I am so happy to address you in my first speech as your Leader.

First, let me get the crappola over with -- stay in school, do your homework, yada, yada, yada (like the Left wants an educated public -- Ha!)

What I really want to talk to you about, my little brothers and sisters,  is how you can change the world.  Our beautiful planet and all the wondrous animals and plants are dying an excruciatingly painful death, minute by minute, second by second, just because your folks mucked it all up.

So I need you, the littlest generation, to get onboard the Obama Love Train, and together we will right all these wrongs.  I don't want you to think of yourself any more as just your parents' kid.  Now you are part of President Obama's huge rainbow coalition.  Think of yourselves as Obama Youth.

The Democratic Leaders and I are working hard to get you out of these stuffy classrooms and into the real world.  Soon we'll be requiring each and every one of you to do community service.

Take it from your Prez, you will love being a community organizer.  You walk into a neighborhood where people are sitting around chilling, drinking Pepsi and beer and laughing their sides off and dancing to the music.

And before you're done with them, they feel so oppressed and victimized, they're spitting bullets.  Right before your eyes they morph into really pissed off dudes.  It's like magic!

Someday we hope to even open Camp Obamas, just like we offered for grown ups during the primary.  You'll take a break from your pesky parents always nagging at you about trivia, "Make your bed!"  "Wipe your feet!"  "What on earth are you smoking?" 

At Camp Obama, we won't get in your face.  And we won't be teaching you those retro 3 R's.  You'll learn the important stuff -- the 3 A's -- agitating, aggravating, and annoying.  

In fact, I want you to start practicing the 3 A's as soon as you get home tonight.  Badger your parents to support my health care bill.  If they say no, I want you to have the biggest, nastiest hissy fit ever.  Scream, kick, run around in a circle yelling like a banshee.    But don't do this at home.  Do it at  Home Depot or Burger King or, best of all, at church. 

Speaking of religion, my good friends at the United Nations have done a great thing for my little compatriots.  They issued a proclamation that children should be free to choose their own religion.

So if you find church a bit of a snooze, announce to your parents that you've become an atheist.  Or change your name to Hassan or Hussein and become a Muslim.  If your parents give you any lip, just call my good friends at the ACLU.

Other fun ways to practice the 3 A's -- buy a t-shirt with Che's face on it and march around with your fist in the air when you next visit grandma at the nursing home.  Tell your Vietnam Vet uncle that you've renamed your goldfish, Ho Chi Minh.   And if you find your family a big nuisance, there are attorneys out there who can help you divorce the whole motley crew.

Now you are probably thinking, my President is asking a heck of a lot.  What's in it for me?

Little comrades, I love your way of thinking.  I want every American of every age to ask the same question, "What am I getting out of it?"

Well, one great piece of news is that you'll be getting more sex.  My good pals at the United Nations, in fact, have passed new sexuality regulations to "guarantee" the sexual rights of children.   With the Left in charge, you'll not only get to twitter but to twatter.

Another perk:  you know how you've overheard your parents talking about making you a baby brother or sister?  Well you don't want one of those screaming monsters in the house, do you?  You'd have to share your stuff!   You'd no longer be center of the universe!

Well, have no fear.  My new Science Czar, John Holdren, hates babies!  He despises them so much, he wrote an entire book about how we can stop those smelly, loudmouths from ever being born!

So, with John at the helm, you don't have to worry about new siblings competing for your parents' time and attention.  And, without an extra mouth to feed, I'll bet you'll be getting that new Xbox for Christmas.  That is, if I don't outlaw the holiday.  Hey, lighten up!  I'm just pulling your leg!

I hope that you've learned today that my administration is devoted to getting you the freedom and respect you deserve.  Why should you be treated like a kid just because you're  8?  

Well, my little proletarians.  If you've recorded my speech on your cell phone, make sure that you tweet it to all your friends, especially those deprived and neglected kids being home schooled or going to parochial school.  I'm worried about them, little buds.  They're so misinformed.  Make sure you do your very best to bring them into Obama Youth.

And finally, my little warriors, please stand up and recite the Pledge of Allegiance: 

I pledge allegiance to my President 

of the United States of America

And to the regime with which it stands

one nation, under Obama

With liberty, and social justice for all.

In Solidarity,

Your President

Robin is a recovering liberal and a psychotherapist in Berkeley.


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